You keep using the word humiliation. It is the wrong word and it is doing damage.

Humiliation requires an audience and a judgement. There was neither.
There was a bar, a number, and a body reporting accurately.

What you actually feel has a plainer name, and you have been avoiding it all week because it is worse.
You miss them. You miss the person who used to do this without thinking about it.
That is grief, and it is allowed, and it does not respond to being called something tougher.

The Book of the Phoenix — Arrival 59:10